Sometimes I get suicidal; suffering from Bipolar (II) Disorder, suicidal thoughts can become part of my every-day if my mental health remains unchecked. I used to feel a lot of shame about my thoughts, but over time I've come to prefer openness as a means of staying safe.
I've had suicidal thoughts for a very long time - before I even knew what they were. On reflection, I guess these thoughts started when I was about 6 years old; I remember thinking "C'mon InfraRedRum, 6 whole years of life and nothing to show for it? You're a waste of fresh air" - a pretty strange thing for a child to think, isn't it? But that was my normal.
I started to really feel the shame when I entered my teenage years. I believed that the feelings I had were reflecting on me personally - that I was inherently flawed, 'broken'. I knew there was something wrong, but I would never have wanted my peers to know - it'd have just made the bullying worse.
A few years (and more than a few breakdowns) later, and things have really changed. Now, I openly share my mental health experience online. A lot of people tell me they think I'm brave for speaking out so publicly, but to be honest, my new confidence is born out of necessity rather than bravery.
See, when you're feeling suicidal, you need to tell people. I didn't have a lot of close friends at a time when I found myself feeling in real danger; I opened up online and, if I'm honest, I think the support I got helped save my life.
Of course, I get negative comments online too, but not many. Often, people who I know 'in-person' get concerned when I talk about suicidal thoughts on social media - they don't understand that it's a way of keeping myself safe. People don't often realise that when I post these things on social media, I'm making sure that my networks know: where I am, what I'm feeling, that I might need their company and that they might need to adjust their expectations of me in the short-term.
I'm not saying we should all post our innermost thoughts and fears online - that's not always safe either. There are significant risks associated with what I'm doing: I could get in trouble at work, I could lose a few 'friends', or I could appear vulnerable to people who would exploit me. But this is a decision I've made for my own reasons: for empowerment and for control. I hope that my posts, whilst they might seem a bit distressing sometimes, help end the stigma around mental health, and of course help keep me safe <3
Thanks for reading
The InfraRedRum
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